Vulcan Face
by Yami's Aibou
Summary: In which Spock and McCoy lose a bet to Kirk, Scotty and Uhura. What do they have to do? Sing Lady GaGa in front of the whole crew. Imagine their surprise when McCoy and Spock make an entire routine in secret and premier it to everyone, and it's amazing.


Oh my god. I spent the entire day writing this. It's five pages long! Happy Valentine's Day!!

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or _Poker Face_ by Lady Gaga, but I did make up the parody lyrics for the song "Vulcan Face" which they sing.

Pairing: Mc/S

Warnings: Slash, and Spock wearing Lady Gaga clothing. Probs some OOCness and sexual suggestions at the end.

On with the fic!

_**Start**_

"Hey everyone!" Captain Kirk said to a cheering crowd in Rec Room 2. "I'm glad you all came! What's about to happen here is going to be awesome! Scotty, tell me you got me some popcorn!" The chief engineer in the front row nodded vigorously. Kirk fist pumped the air. "By the way, this is a total surprise to ALL of us. The only person who knows anything about what'll happen, other than the performers, is Uhura, who did the costumes. She said we'd enjoy them." With a wink and to many cheers, he hopped off the stage, and sat down next Scotty. Suddenly there was a crash from back stage, followed by McCoy shouting.

"I refuse to go on the stage in this! Damn it, I'm a doctor, not a mobster!!" Then Uhura's calm voice was heard.  
"You lost that bet to Kirk and Scotty, you have to." Then Spock's voice was heard.

"Doctor, I believe the human colloquialism appropriate here would be 'you think you can talk?'" McCoy burst out laughing.

"Oh my GOD Spock! What the hell are you wearing?" He said, through laughter.

"Exactly."  
"All right boys, music's starting. Go!" Uhura said, and then McCoy was pushed on stage. He was dressed in a pinstripe suit with a matching fedora and holding a prop phaser. He contained his laughter as well as he could and started singing as the music started.

"_Mum mum mum mah _

_Mum mum mum mah"_

The curtains in the middle of the stage split open to reveal Spock. The entire audience started laughing and cat calling. He was wearing a skin tight off the shoulder black tee shirt that had spikes on the right shoulder and his left hip, tight black leather pants, black high heeled peep toed boots, black riding gloves and a mirrored mask. His hair was down to his waist, obviously a wig. He tried to keep a stoic face as he shouted.

"_Bonjour Star Fleet!"_ Then he and McCoy sang together.

"_Mum mum mum mah_

_Mum mum mum mah" _Spock had made it down the stage so he was center. McCoy had walked over to him. Spock looked over at McCoy and started to sing.

"_I wanna hold em' like they do in Texas please"_ He jutted his hip out, held his left hand up, slapped it with his right hand, and turned and bent over to the left while singing.

"_Fold em' let em' hit me raise it baby stay with me"_ Spock kicked his right leg back and twirled as McCoy sang.

"_I love it"_ Spock strutted away from McCoy singing.

"_Luck and intuition play the cards with Spades to start _

_And after he's been hooked my phaser's pointing at his heart"_ With a sharp twirl, Spock had a prop phaser of his own pointing at McCoy. He sighted the gun on his arm as bounced down on his knees into a squat.

"_Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh _

_You think you're hot, show me what you've got"_ McCoy shot at Spock, a harmless laser shooting towards him. Spock leapt up and did a mid air split, avoiding the laser. He landed and winked.

"_Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh _

_You think you're hot, show me what you've got."_ McCoy shot at him again as he tucked into a neat forward roll and rolled right between McCoy's legs and popped up behind him, pointing his phaser at the back of his head. McCoy holstered his own phaser. The audience was stunned into incredulous silence.

"_Can't read my, _

_Can't read my _

_No you can't read my Vulcan face"_ McCoy whirled around and elbowed the phaser out of Spock's hands and sang.

"_He don't got to show emotions"_ The two circled each other slowly as Spock sang again.

"_Can't read my _

_Can't read my _

_No you can't read my Vulcan face."_ He kicked out at McCoy, who blocked and threw Spock's leg, making him spin with momentum.

"_He don't got to show emotions"_ Spock turned to the right and covered his face with a hand as he bounced with the music, back pressed against McCoy's back as he did the same thing but faced left.

"_M-m-my Vulcan face, M-my Vulcan face"_

"_Mum mum mum mah" _

"_M-m-my Vulcan face, M-m-my Vulcan face" _

"_Mum mum mum mah" _ The two twirled and faced each other at the same time. Spock pointed at McCoy, pushing his index finger into McCoy's chest. As Spock sang, McCoy went to wrap his arms around Spock, but Spock spun around so McCoy ended up pressed against his back.

"_You wanna roll with me you have to ask Star Fleet_

_Under attack fire phasers one two three"_ Spock pushed away from McCoy and mimed a phaser shot for each number with his hands.

"_I love it" _McCoy pulled out and aimed his phaser at Spock who grabbed it and turned it on him.

"_Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun."_ That line garnered a grin from Chekov in the audience. Onstage, McCoy kicked the phaser from his hands and Spock wrapped his arms around his head and sang.

"_And baby these emotions are too rough to be this fun"_ He looked up with an evil grin on his face, making the entire audience, including Kirk, Scotty and Uhura, to gasp. He growled ferociously and punched at McCoy, who ducked under his fist.

"_Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh _

_You think you're hot, show me what you've got"_ McCoy did a flying spin kick which barely grazed Spock's chest as he jumped away.

"_Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh, _

_You think you're hot, show me what you've got"_ Spock caught McCoy's arm as it soared towards him, smirked, and used it to force him to the ground. Leaning over McCoy, he covered his face again with one hand while he held McCoy down with the other.

"_Can't read my, _

_Can't read my _

_No you can't read my Vulcan face" _

"_He don't got to show emotions"_ As he sang, McCoy pushed up and sent Spock flying across the stage. He landed right in the center of the stage with a thud. Spock threw an arm over his face and held perfectly still as he sang.

"_Can't read my _

_Can't read my _

_No you can't read my Vulcan face"_ With a look of horror, McCoy backed up to the edge of the stage and sang.

"_He don't got to show emotions."_ McCoy collapsed to the ground, nearly falling off the edge of the stage. Multiple people in the first row jumped up to catch him. Perfectly still, the two sang.

"_M-m-my Vulcan face, M-my Vulcan face" _

"_Mum mum mum mah" _

"_M-m-my Vulcan face, M-my Vulcan face" _

"_Mum mum mum mah" _Suddenly, Spock's hands slammed against the stage next to his head and his hips thrust upwards.

"_I won't tell you that I love you _

_Or just touch you_

_Cause I'm Vulcan."_ He flipped over his head and landed kneeling.

"_I'm not joking _

_I'm serious_

_We don't do that back on my home planet!"_ McCoy suddenly launched himself at Spock, who knocked him aside as he stood up.

"_Like a Klingon during battle _

_When you lose you self-destruct yeah_

_Well I promise this, promise this"_ He kicked the phaser at his feet up into his hand.

"_Check this I'm armed and dang'rous"_ McCoy took the other phaser off the ground and pointed it at Spock. The two of them circled each other, waiting for the first to shoot.

"_Can't read my, _

_Can't read my _

_No you can't read my Vulcan face"_ McCoy shot at Spock.

"_He don't got to show emotions"_ The phaser Spock was holding dropped to the ground. He clutched his arm and dropped to his knees.

"_Can't read my _

_Can't read my _

_No you can't read my Vulcan face"_ McCoy sauntered over to Spock, and ran his fingers through the long, fake hair on his head.

"_He don't got to show emotions" _He grabbed Spock by the sides of his face and pulled him up so he was dangling inches off the floor.

"_Can't read my _

_Can't read my _

_No you can't read my Vulcan face" _Spock kneed him in the crotch. McCoy dropped him and they both fell to the ground.

"_He don't got to show emotions"_ At the same time, they leapt up to face each other.

"_Can't read my _

_Can't read my _

_No you can't read my Vulcan face"_ McCoy aimed to punched Spock in the head, but Spock ducked.

"_He don't got to show emotions"_ Spock tried to spin-kick McCoy, but he jumped backwards and nearly lost his balance, but Spock grabbed him and pulled him close.

"_Can't read my _

_Can't read my _

_No you can't read my Vulcan face"_ They stared heavily into each other's eyes for a moment before McCoy shoved him away. With the momentum, Spock twirled around multiple times before stopping.

"_He don't got to show emotions"_ Spock launched himself at McCoy, who ducked out of the way. Spock landed in a roll, and pull himself up.

"_Can't read my _

_Can't read my _

_No you can't read my Vulcan face"_ They both ran at each other, stopping inches away from collision.

"_He don't got to show emotions"_ They circled each other slowly.

"_M-m-my Vulcan face, M-my Vulcan face" _Spock lashed out with his elbow, aiming for McCoy's temple. He was deflected.

"_Mum mum mum mah" _ Still inches away from each other, McCoy tried punching Spock in the stomach. Spock caught his hands, and pushed him a few feet away.

"_M-m-my Vulcan face, M-my Vulcan face" _The two of them ran full speed to opposite sides of the stage, put their backs to each other and mirrored each other's stances of crossed arms.

"_Mum mum mum mah" _Suddenly at the exact same time the two of them whirled around and faced each other.

"_M-m-my Vulcan face, M-my Vulcan face" _They ran and met in the middle with 2 feet between them.

"_Mum mum mum mah" _Spock kicked at McCoy, who caught the flying leg and didn't let go.

"_M-m-my Vulcan face, M-my Vulcan face"_ McCoy tried to punch Spock in the face, but Spock caught the fist and didn't let go.

"_Mum mum mum mah" _ Spock's leg was tugged on and he found himself pressed against McCoy's body.

"_M-m-my Vulcan face, M-my Vulcan face" _McCoy looped his other arm around Spock's back to keep him from falling as he leaned back, the arm not holding McCoy's hand grazing the floor.

"_Mum mum mum man" _McCoy's other hand was freed then quickly reoccupied as Spock's other leg wrapped around him and then Spock went totally limp in his arms.

"_M-m-my Vulcan face, M-my Vulcan face" _Spock snapped up and pressed his forehead against McCoy's and sang with him at the end.

"_Mum mum mum man" _And then they kissed. Right there on the stage, in front of every single person on the ship.

All that could be heard for the first moments after the music died was the breathing of the performers onstage who were still in their ending pose. Then every single person in the Rec Room, as well as the entire ship since it was being broadcasted on every view screen, began to applaud. It was thunderously loud. Spock jumped out of McCoy's arms and bowed fluidly, then he stood up with a completely stoic expression on his face and walked calmly off the stage. But when he was about to leave, he kicked a phaser up behind his back and over his head, which he caught. McCoy bowed and walked off the other side, kicking the phaser on that side over his head and caught it behind his back. The applause kicked back up. Kirk shouted to the boys backstage.

"Holy. Crap. That was amazing guys!" The rest of the crew was chattering about how amazing it was. But Spock and McCoy didn't even come out to see their adoring fans that night.

They were too busy in the dressing room, alleviating the sexual tension caused by their dancing.

_**End**_

Alright, that was my first time writing a dancing scene like that, so I really hope it doesn't suck and that you could see them dancing in your head the way I can. By the way, the outfit Spock was wearing was what Lady GaGa wears at the beginning of the Poker Face music video. Anyways, please don't steal those lyrics because in actuality they are my own spin on Lady GaGa, and

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

:D


End file.
